I Am Trying

I’ve had some good moments in the last little while. I’m back seeing an employment specialist, I’m going to a job fair this week, I have appointment #2 for a new chair, too. I remain very hopeful about these things

However, I’m struggling for a very different reason. I have helpers that come in to assist with daily living activities. Usually, I’m grateful for the assistance, because there are more good eggs than bad ones.

It’s been difficult to fully heal from my job loss because on a given day, 5 different people could ask how the job hunt is going. I’m aware that some people are genuinely concerned; but there are a good portion just looking for a hot piece of gossip.

By the 2nd week of losing my job ALL THE STAFF KNEW. I can change the topic with most of my helpers and discuss what I choose to. Some push, and attempt to rephrase the question if they don’t get the answer I can imagine they feel entitled to

Unfortunately, it hasn’t stopped at my job situation. I have people constantly asking whether I went outside today. Let me tell you, there is no winning. If the weather is nice and I stayed inside, Why? If I have to do something in bad weather, Oh, well you should know better than that. My life doesn’t stop just because I’m disabled. I find myself begging the universe for a job, just to get some sort of reprieve from helpers, and what can feel worse than FBI interrogation

Having a disability, I have no choice but to give up a large chunk of my privacy. I have accepted this. It doesn’t mean I choose to relinquish ALL of it

I’m struggling with the newer helpers because some pat me like a dog, some talk like I’m 5 (or like I’m not there at all), some have even referred to us generally as “these people.” I’m not sure if they think we’re lesser, but I have more education and life experience than a good portion of them would know what to do with. I by no means should have to mention my educational background to earn respect, or compare my education to anyone’s for any reason. I guess what I’m trying to say is that we’re all people.

If you stumble across this post and feel offended, ask yourself how you treat people. Perhaps, instead of asking whether someone went out, or about a personal aspect of life, ask how you can do better.

I would like to take the time to thank my good helpers. I’m very aware that this is a physically and mentally draining line of work. I appreciate your effort and compassion. This was not meant as an attack on helpers at all. Just as the job is a hard one, it can be hard to accept the help.

A Tall Glass Of Comedic Relief

I started performing at open mic 3 years ago now. When I started, of course I wanted to make people laugh. However, I also wanted to use it as a teaching tool of sorts. When you tell others not to do something because it hurts and is incredibly ignorant, they get defensive. When you turn that same thing into a joke, it sticks because you aren’t directly attacking somebody else’s character.

Aside from teaching others, comedy has also given me control of things that I would otherwise have zero control over. I get to change the typical narrative behind disability.

You guys think I’m dumb/damaged? Perhaps to a certain degree, but there was a fully grown man who asked if I slept in a bed the other day. Nope, I sleep upside down like a bat.

I’ve never minded questions, but there are some that make me fear for the future of humanity.

My absolute favourite part of comedy is the community behind it. We’re all a hot mess in our own unique way, but it feels like having a family (one that Dr Phil couldn’t dissect if he tried.) I’ve never felt more grateful for comedy. In a way, I still have a job, (even if it hardly pays.) Comedy is something that gravity and oxygen deprived brain cells can never steal from me. I hope to never give it up.

The bold text is a joke. I’m okay, really!

Bring On 2019

2018 started with the usual reflection and optimism that comes with the start of any new year. However, I wish I could’ve rewritten the ending. As previously mentioned in this blog post, losing my first job was one of the hardest things I have ever experienced.

The only thing that’s really left to say now is what I’m hoping will happen in 2019. I won’t be foolish enough to set any concrete goals, because I know that’s just setting myself up for disappointment. I know that I can easily lose 300 pounds, if only I just stood up, but that won’t happen in my lifetime.

I would like to spend more time with people who actually want to spend time with me. A lot of 2018 was me inviting people to do things, but nothing actually coming of it. In 2019, I will stick to my tried-and-true hangout buddies. and be pleasantly surprised if anything else happens.

I finished off 2018 with my favourite kind of party, involving Mario and a “smashing” good time. I was too excited to finally get some four player action with some of my aforementioned buddies. It’s a lot more fun gaming in a group, than alone.

Obviously, I hope to find a new job in the new year, but until then I would like to focus more on my love for comedy. I’m not exactly sure how, but I would like to take the Amateur out of my title. I’d love to experience opening for a comic, or headlining my own show.

I’d also love to try public speaking. I feel like it would be a great outlet, and a way to share my experiences. Whatever happens, I’m just ready for a fresh start.

Bring on 2019!

Thank Goodness for Books

Since being laid off just over a month ago, I have had time to get reacquainted with my love of books. Usually, I tend to go for the books that get me as far away from reality as I can possibly go. It provides a very real and inexpensive means of escape.

Recently, I finished the series Crazy Rich Asians. Surprisingly, the series has more drama than my own life. I was even more surprised by how much I liked it. I guess it was just relieving to read something crazier than my own circus.

Aside from juicy and dramatic books, I’ve also been reading books by celebrities that I admire. I finished both of Mindy Kaling’s books in 2 days each. It was sort of therapeutic to read about her struggles and to see how she overcame them. I had fallen into the trap of assuming that she was just like Kelly Kapoor, her character on The Office. I guess that means she’s good at her job.

I’m probably not going to be famous, but reading books has reminded me that everyone goes through slumps, no matter who you are. It has reminded me of my desire to write my own book, and finally, it has reminded me to always make time to take care of yourself and do the things you love. I didn’t realize how burned out I actually was until I took some time to take care of myself

“That’s Probably The Most Millennial Thing I’ve Ever Eaten” – A HelloFresh Review

When it comes to food, I’m very guilty of sticking to  “the usual.” I got a $20 off coupon in a beauty box I ordered, so I decided to give it a go. I ordered the Pronto plan, which included three meals for two people.

The box came with each recipe divided into their own containers, and detailed instructions on how to prep/cook the recipes. Each meal takes about  30 minutes to cook. My personal favourite recipe was the burrito bowl. The recipe included more vegetables that I’ve ever eaten in one go. I felt like a responsible adult for all of five seconds.

Plus, it was my first time ever eating avocado (which is where my title comes from). Not only is the food very filling, but it is also arguably more photogenic than I am. I couldn’t help but share it on Instagram.

The only downside to the box was the expense. If I didn’t have the $20 off coupon, six meals would have come to about $80. As a currently unemployed person, even $60 hurt a little bit. However, I do intend to order again when I am in better shape to do so.

If you would like to try HelloFresh for yourself, click here for $40 off of your first box!

The Unemployed Files

November 22, 2018, was one of the most difficult days of my life. I lost my job for the first time. You might be wondering why I’m starting this blogging venture on such an unhappy note; the truth is, nobody really talks about what a sudden and drastic change can do to an individual.

So, let me talk…

The day I lost my job, I had my first full-blown panic attack. As someone who has only ever experienced minor anxiety, I was not prepared for this. It felt like the closest I had ever come to death. Yes, that does sound dramatic, but my body was on fire, my head was pounding, I was dizzy, and I felt like I was going to vomit, all at once.  By some miracle, I was able to go out with friends later that night, even though the feelings had not entirely dissipated. I was lucky to be able to force myself out of the dark, but I still worry that I won’t always be able to do that.

It took me almost a week to leave the house. Losing a job almost feels like losing a  loved one. In a way, I lost several. I know I will still see many of my coworkers, but it will be far less than seeing them on an every other day basis. I also lost my independence. This was a very hard pill for me to swallow, and I’m still struggling with it.

As someone with a disability, I receive financial aid from ODSP,  or Ontario Disability Support Program. when I was employed, I was practically supporting myself. It was a very vulnerable moment having to tell them that I lost my job. Now, I feel like I’m returning to the very unflattering stereotype of someone who is wasting your tax dollars.

I do not return by choice

I know that one day this experience will be just a blip on the radar, but the day has not yet come. In the meantime, I will continue to write here and keep myself busy.